I Almost Worked for a Cult 14

Get away ta fuck!

Mr Yun sat down and smiled his big ‘I’m going to gently brainwash you’ smile.

“So Jesus came to me last night…”

I had no idea Jesus was in Korea. I thought he was usually in Costa Rica at this time of the year, appearing to somebody in the trunk of a felled tree.

“…and told me that I need to perform a wedding.”

I knew where this was going. My detective skills had been shit up to this point, but this time I was spot on. This crazy cunt was going to try and make us get married in his crack-pot church. Neither of us spoke, giving Mr Yun the space to elaborate.

“You guys will be married in our church before school next Monday. All the students and their parents will attend. Praise Jesus, it will be a blessed day!”

Well that was me done. I was getting up to strangle him when herself put her hand on my leg.

She said, “Why? We don’t need to be married to work here. This is a very strange and unusual request.”

Fair play to her. That was a more level-headed response compared to murder.

Mr Yun explained, “We are a conservative and hardworking people. We are not wicked and dishonest like Westerners. Our congregation will not accept an unmarried couple living together and working in our school.” He said all this with a serene smile on his face. This guy was a fucking maniac! Westerners might be wicked and dishonest, but we didn’t force people in to marriage to get jobs. Sure, we might have forced people to leave jobs for being married in the past, but that’s changed now. I think.

I knew that I would love herself forever when she replied to this statement. This was the woman that I would conquer the world with. Well, she’d conquer the world; I’d drive her from place to place and maybe do the dishes.

“Oh is that what this is about? Well if you’re worried about appearances, just get us two apartments. We don’t mind. The parents don’t need to know we’re a couple.”

A cracking reply!

Mr Yun soon correctly realized that I might be the weak link here. He started to work me over with the ‘ol psychological brass knucks.

“You seem uncomfortable. Do you not love her? Is that why you don’t want to get married?”

Fucking prick. I should have murdered him, or at least given him a Stone Cold Stunner.

“No”, I said through gritted teeth, “that’s not it at all. Our wedding should be at home, with our family and friends, not a thousand miles away in front of strangers.”

Mr Yun digested this for a second.

“But you could get married again when you go home. This will just be for Korea.”

Herself interjected.

“So it’s not a legal marriage then? It’s not in the eyes of the law? It’s just pretend?”

Mr Yun said, “You will be married in the eyes of the lord!”

I stood up, “Ah right, it’s only a pretend wedding so.”

She continued, “Look, let us think about it. We’re not agreeing to anything yet. It’s a strange request and you have to give us time to think about it.

Mr Yun threw his hands up in the air, looked to the sky and proclaimed, “Oh blessed day!”

What the fuck was going on here?

Next time: A British lunch

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